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HEPHERDING THE HEART (1)A Meditation on Proverbs 23:22-26
It’s been said quaintly, and accurately, that the heart of the problem is the problem of the heart. If you have any doubts about the validity of that statement read Jeremiah 17:9-10a: “The heart is deceit-ful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? I the LORD search the heart.” If God is interested in anything he is interested in the condition of our hearts. “For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart” (1 Sam. 16:7).
Some time ago one of our elders had a heart attack. His doctor said, “You look too healthy to be in the hospital; what are you doing here?” Our elder looked as healthy as a horse on the outside, but that was irrelevant, because what mattered most was the condition of his heart. What’s true for the physical realm is equally true for the spiritual realm. Jesus blasted the Pharisees and scribes, “You hypocrites! Well did Isaiah prophesy of you, when he said: ‘This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me; in vain do they worship me, teaching as doctrines of men’” (Matt. 15:7-9).
Explaining the importance of the heart, Jesus stated, “But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person” (vv. 18-20a). Everything about us flows from the heart. Therefore, above all things, God is concerned about our hearts. Like wise as parents, we should be primarily interested in capturing and shepherding the hearts of our children.
The burden of the father in Proverbs 23:26 is for the heart of his son. He pleads, “My son, give me your heart.” Why does he want his child’s heart? Because if he has his son’s heart, he has his son’s love, life and loyalty. Incidentally, this is why God wants our hearts, be-cause he wants our love, life and loyalty. Therefore, we should view parenting not simply as providing for our children, so that they have food, clothing, shelter and a good education. We should think of parenting as shepherding their hearts. We want to deal with the core of their being. As we nurture the hearts of our children, we’re effecting that which is the well spring of their life. Consider three points for shepherding your child’s heart.
First, we need to protect their hearts from evil influences. “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life” (Pro. 4:23). The NASB translates this verse, “Watch over your heart…” The picture in Hebrew is of a garrison of soldiers surrounding the heart to protect it from the enemy. Until children are wiser and mature enough to do this for themselves, their parents must assume this responsibility.
One time I was talking with a mother who took her children out of the government school, because of the destructive influences. I said, “Oh, so you’re sheltering your children.” She responded defensively, “Oh, no, I’m just…” After she hemmed and hawed for a minute, I jumped in to rescue her, “Yes, you are, and you don’t have to apologize.” When did it become wrong for parents to shelter their children from disgusting, demonic, disturbing and destructive forces? Isn’t that what we’re supposed to be doing as parents? If you’ve ever been accused of being over-protective, wear that accusation like a badge of honor. But if I can speak frankly, being over-protective is hardly the problem in the average evangelical household. The vast majority of parents need to be more vigilant with the movies, music, internet, video games, friends, school curriculum, etc. that their children encounter on a daily basis. I hope we haven’t bought into the myth of neutrality—nothing is neutral. Every single one of the areas just mentioned bombards our impressionable kids with certain values, philosophies and religious persuasions.
There is an all-out assault upon our children and their hearts, which requires parents like never before to be guardian shepherds. Let’s not be asleep on our watch, or too busy at work, or comatose in front of the TV, while our kids are who-knows-where doing who-knows-what with who-knows-who. You know there is a real problem in our midst when television ads have to advise parents on how to be parents. Recently, I saw an ad counseling parents to talk to their kids about drugs. Some time ago there was an ad that asked parents, “Do you know where your kids are?” Parents should know where their children are at all times. If they don’t, they should relinquish the honorable title of parent.
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HEPHERDING THE HEART (2)A Meditation on Proverbs 23:22-26, etc.
As parents, we don’t want to just be reactive—protecting our
children from every evil influence that threatens to corrupt their hearts. Although this is certainly an essential and necessary aspect of parenting. We also want to be proactive; we want to be intentional in the exposure our kids receive. After lamenting the low standards and liberal agenda that permeates the government schools, we need to take action and decide what type of education we wish our kids to receive. Following our frustration with the abundance of filth that Hollywood spews forth every year, we then need to be aggressive and thoughtful about how our children will spend their free time. So, as I said earlier, parents need not apologize for sheltering their children, yet so much more needs to be done.
Assuming that it was even possible to drive back every external enemy of our children’s hearts, so that all their exposure was positive and wholesome, there would still be an internal issue to deal with, namely the “folly [that] is bound up in the heart of a child” (Pro. 22:15a). Therefore, discipline is a huge part of parenting. “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him” (vs. 15). Rather than disciplining according to clear, biblical commands, parents are cuddling according to the latest self-esteem psycho-babble. As a result, kids are out of control and they can’t be taught. Ask any teacher, “Which kids are the hardest to teach?” and without hesitation they’ll tell you, “The ones who aren’t disciplined.”
Helen Keller’s life illustrates the importance of discipline. As a young child she completely lost her sight and hearing. Her family didn’t discipline her, probably because they felt sorry for her. Anne Sullivan, Helen’s teacher, had a hard time teaching Helen at first, because of the battle of wills that took place, in addition to the obvious handicaps. “At times, [Helen] would lie on the floor, kicking and screaming. When Anne tried to discipline her, she would pinch and scream. Out of this nearly impossible situation, Anne Sullivan taught her language and love. In a letter to a friend, Anne Sullivan reveals the secret ‘gateway’ to educating and loving Helen: ‘I suppose I shall have many such battles with the little woman before she learns the only two essential things I can teach her, obedience and love.
“I very soon made up my mind that I could do nothing with Helen in the midst of the family, who have always allowed her to do exactly as she pleased. She has tyrannized everybody…and like all tyrants she holds tenaciously to her divine right to do as she pleases…I saw clearly that it was useless to try to teach her language or anything else until she learned to obey me. I have thought about it a great deal, and the more I think, the more certain I am that obedience is the gate-way through which knowledge, yes, and love, too, enter the mind of the child.’
“Anne Sullivan, an exceptionally gifted teacher, understood the significance of obedience in the process of education. She saw the connection between obedience and love” (Alexander Strauch, Leading With Love, p. 175-176).
If I were to boil down my parental objectives to only two, they would be to impart love and knowledge to my kids. Proverbs states that discipline plays an integral role in the accomplishment of both these objectives. First, I want my kids to feel so loved that the question of my love for them never crosses their minds. How can I fulfill this objective? By smothering them with hugs and kisses; by verbalizing my love; by reading books and playing games with them. And also by disciplining them. “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” (Pro. 13:24). Discipline communicates love, which a child will eventually understand, when he or she matures. This is imitation our perfect, heavenly Father who “disciplines the ones he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives” (Heb. 12:6). The only ones God doesn’t discipline are those who are “illegitimate children and not sons” (vs. 8). It would be a travesty if our failure to discipline told our children they were unloved bastards.
Second, I want to give my children knowledge. I want to saturate their minds with the whole counsel of God so they will be wise Christians. “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother” (Pro. 29:15). Applying the board of education to the seat of learning produces wisdom. Lord willing, my kids will say with the Psalmist some day, “It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes” (Ps. 119:71), and “I under-stand more than the aged, for I keep your precepts” (119:100).
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HEPHERDING THE HEART (3)A Meditation on Proverbs 23:22-26, etc.
Shepherding our children demands that we be diligent to protect their hearts from evil influences, to discipline the folly that is in their hearts, and to capture their hearts through a vibrant relationship with them. I heard Josh McDowell say succinctly at a conference many years ago, “Rules without relationship equals rebellion.” And this relationship should include listening, communicating and touch.
The father in Proverbs says, “My son, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings” (Pro. 4:20). We parents want our children to hang on our every word, but let’s not be too distracted to return the favor. Our children long to be heard from us as well. “Listen to the conversations of our world, between nations as well as between couples,” said one psychologist, “They are for the most part, dialogues of the deaf.” One time when my daughter Lydia was about five years old, she was talking to me while I was focused on the computer monitor in front of me. When she realized she didn’t have my undivided attention she grabbed my face with her two little hands and turned it toward her saying, “Daddy, look at me.”
We might be surprised by what we learn when we perceptively look at our children when they talk to us. “A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed” (Pro. 15:13). A happy heart, a depressed heart, an anxious heart or a sorrowful heart is seen in the countenance of our children. Engaged parents can read their children well, and then respond appropriately. “Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda” (Pro. 25:20).
If we listen carefully to our children, we can then communicate with them more effectively, particularly by addressing the issues of their heart. What are the issues of your child’s heart? Do you know what they are? Could you name one right now? Even a little one, like frustration with acne or difficultly with a class they’re taking or trouble with a friend? Especially as our children grow older we have to work hard at this. “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out” (Pro. 20:5). If you’re not familiar with your children’s issues, ask questions and draw them out. My wife has helped me with the art of asking good questions. I used to ask vague, general questions like, “How was school today?” and they would respond, “Okay.” My wife told me that I needed to be more specific if I wanted to get them to open up. So now I ask about their favorite class, best friends, the teachers slant on a given topic, etc.
Touch and physical affection is also important. Studies have indicated that if a new-born baby is placed in isolation with physical nourishment, but no corresponding physical affection, he or she will die. Our Lord was always extending his hands to touch people, including the untouchables. “And a leper came to him, imploring him, and kneeling said to him, ‘If you will, you can make me clean.’ Moved with pity, he stretched out his hand and touched him and said to him, ‘I will; be clean’” (Mk. 1:40-41). Most likely this was the first human touch this leper had experienced in years, due to a disease which forced him to withdrawn from society. Jesus listened to the concerns of this leper; he communicated reassuring words to his doubtful heart; and he also “stretched out his hand and touched him.” This touch may seem like a little thing, but the Spirit of God made sure it was recorded for our instruction, because it is most certainlynot a little thing. This is what our children need: Our listening ears, our insightful words and our physical affection. If they don’t receive these from us, they will be vulnerable to those who will fill the void.
In 2 Samuel 15:1-6, we read about how Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel. First, he would listen to there dispute. Then he would address their complaint: “See, your claims are good and right, but there is no man designated by the king to hear you” (vs. 3). “And whenever a man came near to pay homage to him, he would put out his hand and take hold of him and kiss him. Thus Absalom did to all of Israel who came to the king for judgment. So Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel” (vv. 5-6). Here’s the frightening lesson: If we don’t listen to our children, give them wise counsel and show them affection, some devious Absalom will, and he will capture their hearts. So let me ask, “At this very moment, do you have your children’s hearts?” “Do they want to spend time with you?” “Do they speak respectfully to you?” “Do they want to please you?” (We could ask these same questions to see if God has our hearts.) If the answer is no, we need to make the necessary corrections immediately.
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